Self Portrait. Pencil



Serious Artist... serious Art.

'Independent' is my name along side my birth name of Claudette. But that is where name naming stops for me because despite the fact that my ears are for the purposes of hearing music and the other sounds of nature, my eyes tell me all I need to know. They are the tips of my fingers when I create. They are my inner senses and outer antennae. They are the very core of my brain and the passageway from my soul to the outer world and back again. They are my mouthpiece and through them I create my voice.... MY ART.
I speak with colours and through shapes, and the uncertainty of the different mediums that I work with give me a pulsating excitement as I work with them and they with me. And this way of working and thinking gives me independence and freedom. No constraints - only an inner discipline - rather like my spine down which my nervous system travels.

Another time.....

No painting to-day, instead veiwing an exhibition of another artist, far more experienced than myself, whom I know personally and to whom I
doff my cap. But the real thrill came when I saw he had abandoned his comfortable place and gone completely abstract. In fact like me he was experiencing what the paint could do and what he could do with the paint, rather than just abstracting from out there. YO! that has made me so happy - happy to come across someone else who was at long last speaking the same language. You see for me arting is about creativity and by that I mean taking a step beyond....going to that place of exploration where the unbelievable excitement of possibilities and unknown discoveries lie, and because the belief and trust in my own eyes and subsequent senses tell me that what I am experiencing as a work of art - WORKS!!

Another day......

Another day in the life of an artist and I'm not up to this to-day - my energy levels are pretty low but whatever the reasons, I must bring these feelings out and expose them to myself. GRRR is what I inwardly say to all and everything that crosses my path of vision......why havn't I got to where I wanted to go by this stage of my life?? quite simply because I didn't know where I wanted to go or even have the remotest idea of knowing how to get there had I known where I wanted to go!! All I have known has been to do what I do best - CREATE. Sometimes I have met with very quizical looks - and even sniggers - There have been those (and still are) who have dismissed me and my work as worthless and inconsequential......sod them all, I think to myself..... and then someone walks in off the street and after having spent some time looking at my paintings turns to me and says 'you have put alot of work into these, BRAVO!! They are very original and unique'......'thank you' I say almost in a whisper, picking myself up off the floor........ My Guardian Angel has been there all the time......

Too much buzz!!

It's difficult to work when there's alot of foreign energy around - it's intrusive and invades my senses - I find it almost impossible to reach myself - that inner place where I live and know exactly what's happening - I'm hiding - disallowing that electric current to find and disable me. I withdraw to that inner sanctum which is cut off from a reality I don't want to know. My world is very private and only shared with those prepared to take their own specail journey there. And when they do, I know it because their energy changes. Their eyes become very deep and I realise they have made contact with themselves through my work. I know that sensation well because I have experienced it when looking at a Van Gogh, or an Emily Kngwarreye, or a Jackson Pollack painting. It's like an overwhelming sense of peace - a sanctuary. And always it invloves a journey - a voyage through my senses - frighteningly exhilerating, a sensation of actually seeing rather than feeling an emotion for the very first time - ORGASMIC!!

Going in deep......

My imagination has been in overdrive to-day. I don't always like that - but on the other hand, to-day I have!! When this happens it's as though I see the other side of reality, another dimension of understanding. A dimension that throbs with constantly changing rythms - colours flow and shapes interact in ways I've never imagined before. Have I eaten something I don't normally eat, or am I on a sugar high? nope, not at all, just quite simply I've been touched by something I've seen or heard or even read, and to-day it was a txt message that reached my heart. It put me in contact with that side of me that makes me react by picking up my palette knife and choosing colours with which to make my response. Not quickly, or slowly - just quite simply spontaneously, intuitively, absolutely naturally, as though the paint were flowing out from within me. Nothing gets in the way of this - no thoughts, no outside interferences of any sort whatsoever - just pure painting triggered by a positive emotion.

That shock of energy!!

Creating to an artist must be very similar to what growing is to a gardener. A coming together of different directions of thoughts, culminating in a creation. An event of production - the genesis of which began with a seed. It is this very seed which never fails to amaze me, quite simply because the wonderment of it's creation began with an indefinable shock of energy which has been the precursor of all and everything. And that shock of energy happens with me usually very surreptiously. It's not that I 'feel a creation coming on' or consciously see or even hear and make a mental note of a 'happening'. Quite simply that shock of energy occurs the moment my palette knife gets involved with the paint!! What happens then has a life of it's own, I become merely the observer - my instincts kick in and I'm no longer aware of anything other than birthing this creation. When finished, all tangible normalities re-establish themselves once more, such as thirst, hunger, headache or just plain tiredness et al, and then, once more I am open to the seduction of.... that shock of energy.

Going inside.....

It is almost like an epiphany how writing about my day has opened a door to within, and through that opening I find myself in a wonderous place - a place where judgements and opinions don't matter. The journey from without to within is quite simply a decision with no great hassle surrounding it. Plainly an insight to a world of my own truth and self honesty. I become my own friend and friendship is always unconditional whatever the circumstances. My vision becomes limitless - I can explore all the possibilities of the paint and materials, and I know instinctively those possibilities which will work and those that won't go anywhere. That's when I stop because it is necessary to put those instincts to work as I'm not of the kind to pre-workout a creation. And then I realise with joy just how much I trust myself, and how all the patience and self-discipline has been so worth it. I finish writing my writings and pickup my palette knife - that tangible extension of my hand and vision!!

In need of inspiration...

It has been a strange day - a resting day - even though my mind has been out searching for something - I don't know what exactly. It's as though I can sense an energy out there slowly beginning to come to life. There is no form or colour or texture yet, just a flowing rhythm. Funny really when contact cannot be made between the imagination and the tangible. And that is what I call a 'Resting time'. It should be pleasant, but I find it quite the opposite - I feel lost and not in touch with myself - 'creativity fatigue' - and then I have to turn to someone else's creativity, someone like Gillian Ayres - I love her work - a vision so much her very own - colours, shapes, textures - always exploring the space and what she can do with the paint. Another is Emily Kngwarreye, totally different, but once again an explorer, speaking her own language of wanderings and findings. By this time I'm ready to pick up a pencil and start to do some doodle-drawings - I can feel the energy between the imagination and the tangible kick-start in - and YO! - then I'm home again!

Free spirit.....

It's all about being free - for me that's the most important contributory factor towards my creativity. Without that infinite dimension I cannot function. My incarseration as a small child in a convent as a boarder had JUST ONE immensely big upside to it - I inwardly rebelled against any form of intimidation whatsoever, and any sort of authority was to be avoided at all costs!! The lesson was a formidable one but it did it's magic and that is why and how I became a totally free spirit - my very own person. Mind you, that doesn't come without it's lonliness, but oh so worth it!! and I have consequently taken, and still do take, full responsibility for all my creative mistakes along the way. I look around my studio and see some of the complete and utter crap I have had the nerve to exhibit - but then I have to say I don't believe in mistakes - they are salutory lessons to be acknowledged rather than denied. This may all sound very smug - BUT FAR FROM IT!! - the inner-self and soul-searching questions never stop, but what I do know is that I have the courage to answer them.

My space.....

Life doesn't just go up and down, it goes back and forth as well, sometimes all at once, and at such an alarming rate withdrawal is the only course to take. 'To where?' comes the panicky question - to MY space, my studio where my paints and materials live - where everything in there speaks to me in a positive language - a language I understand!! Sometimes I really wonder if I am of this planet - I seem to have a greater affinity with creatures and fauna than I do with my own species!! Creatures and fauna don't lie - what you see is what you get, make of it what you will - which is exactly what I do when I paint - I create a space filled with energy and rhythm, where the imagination can wander endlessly, triggering off memories of associatons gone by, or entering a world of complete and utter make-believe - a space almost subservient to the wishes of the viewer, and that's when I know I'm peaceful once more - my focus is clear and untroubled - all the puzzling questions have been answered.

An echo....

'Secrets belong to the imagination' wrote Stanley Kunitz, US Poet Laureate, and how true that is. Any work of art that disallows the viewer's imaginary wanderings can never be great - however skilled it's execution. 'A creation is the extension of an artist's being', once again the words of Kunitz, and therefore I believe any explanations or verbalisations are unnecessary. That's why to me children's art is so unbelievably interesting and uplifting. It's almost as though the thoughts of a child are silently transmitted. All good art needs to be deeply considered, and of course that takes time!! - the friend or foe of all humans!! Energy of all the senses is called for and sometimes the moment just isn't the right one - the intrusion is too much. One shuts oneself off and leaves the magical moment behind - what a loss!! However, never a loss to the artist - afterall there will always be an echo to a true work of art!!

And then the connection....

Sometimes talking art can be very exhilerating!! - it is a language of it's own with so many different dialects - but always the connection will be the same - one of fusion - and the conectivity happens through contemplation. The mind's eye comes into focus - few words are used, but only very chosen words - chosen specially for their ability to convey a sensation that has been felt but is yet to be channeled. These sensations are so very personal and their expression even more so, which is why when veiwing a work of art stepping into that space is so essential. But that connection takes time, and can sometimes be triggered by a negative response - and yet even a negative response begins a chain reaction of thoughts and feelings. One knows one is alive and buzzing!! and a three way relationship is immediately set up between the artist, the painting and the veiwer, and it is this conversation which then finds it's own dialect - a very personal and private one which no outsider can intrude upon - a meeting of beings!!

The food of Life....

Looking at a work of art is like eating a plate of food. Both are essential to human life - the former to the spirit and the latter to the body - if there is only one and not the other the human cannot survive. They are strangeley beautiful necessities that our species rely on!! Other species certainly need their own food, and I rather think they have their own art form too considering all the sounds, colours, shapes, rhythms, textures, flavours, surfaces and doubtlessly countless other ingredients that make up this intensely beautiful planet. Travelling internally to spaces filled with all or even some of these things is the very essence of being - so much more fulfilling than the mundane objectivity of everyday life. And further more what adds to all this is the fact that within our species we all perform differently which means that our tastes, needs and desires are so unbelievably individual that what we create is often very strange.... but beautiful!!

Birthing and more.....

The aesthetic impulse is rather a strange phenomenon - it can come from nowhere in particular, and simply explode inside one's being - and another time it will be gently triggered by an inner sense of having been intangibly touched. I never mind how it arrives, but I know that however dry, parched, barren,(or whatever word personally applies) I can sometimes feel, a lightening bolt WILL always strike and fill my mind and body with pure creativity. I become the materials and nothing can stop me!! More often than not I work until my creation has been birthed - just occassionally, if very large, I will succombe to a night's rest, and then wake-up the next morning in unbelievable excitement to see what I've done, through fresh eyes. Then my mark or form or colour can be put right if necessary - there are never mistakes, only lessons, and that knowledge gives me an enormous sense of peace. I always know if the art works - but just someimes I have to live with it for a while - and that can be for a long while - to find out......how strange is that!!

There and back again.....

Being at odds with oneself is a most unpleasant place to be. It's a place I find myself in sometimes when I have been trying too hard - either too hard to make something work or too hard at working something out. It's then I throw the whole thing up in the air, metaphorically that is, and give myself a break. But that doesn't usually solve anything - it simply puts an end to the exasperation, only to be replaced by a head filled with self-doubts. The inevitable black cloud descends and I shut myself off from everything unable to cope with the frustration. But despite all that, I realise I'm staring at colours and materials - shapes and textures begin to beckon. The large table on which I work is like a giant palette stained by different paints and the uneven surfaces catch the light. I look around my studio walls at finished paintings and begin to sense the inspiration returning - that same feeling of excitement when arriving at a destination. Slowly I find myself back in the world to which I belong - the only world I understand - the world of creativity

My world....

I'm off again - canvas prepared, colours chosen and materials at the ready......and then the nerves set in!!....only momentarily, before the first marks are laid, and then nothing else exists outside of my world. Mixing colours and materials takes time but I don't mind that - my chosen hues transport me to different memories and the materials are like past moments of creative cookery. It all somehow merges well with an eclectic choice of non-stop music - I can hear, I can almost smell and taste, I can sense and feel - all my evocative antennae twitching!! My palette knife dabs, spreads, moves all the sensations around. There is no pre-empted idea before starting, just a total involvement with the means - a journey, no other conveyance, only my eyes and hands. I'm 'flying by the seat of my pants', taking risks and loving every moment. No two risks are ever the same, even if it's only a change in temperature that creates the difference!! It all takes it's own time - and then, later, maybe hours, days or even weeks, the moment arrives when my eyes tell me it's finished. Relief running alongside trepidation set in, and I know patience has to be my friend whilst I waite for the work to dry.


Black Hole....

I have been in no-mans land now for the past few days. A horrible place to be. Frighteningly lonely and black. The nights unbelievably scarey and long through lack of proper sleep. It's a place I find myself in when reiterated stresses pile up and eventually render me helpless. Everything stops then and I have to work hard on clearing my mind of everything and only focusing on the very moment. Standing strong against the gremlin of low self-worth and esteem. I hear myself speaking strong words out loud to my reflection in the mirror. What exacerbates it all is that I turn on myself for feeling so weak and useless and I look at my colours and materials longlingly, feeling their beckoning energy. For hours I can only pace the floor, sitting down intermittantly to relax my shoulders and breathe deeply. Concentration comes hard and in desperation I make myself cups of tea. This painfully ridiculous performance carries on for days until I begin to focus on someone talking ART to me and I hear myself responding. I become interested and involved in what they're saying. Eventually they go but not without having touched me with their enthusiasm. The bolt of inspiration has found it's mark - and once more I'm back where I belong - in MY WORLD!!

Letting it happen....

It's an extrordinary thing, but I have become aware of curves and lines in a way that I've never done so before. They speak to each other through the spaces they create around themselves. A personal reaction begins to vibrate and a rhythm is set up - a sort of sign language, just as colours do, the only difference being that I can hear colours, but with the curves and lines now creating the rhythms......far more personal and entrancing than verbal chatter!! I am carried along by my imagination and eventually I arrive at a place, in which, if allowed by the creator of the work of art, I feel free and inspired by the vision that lies within it. An experience I am truly greatful for. Nature is like that. No rules, only that inner eye.....children have that gift, only invariably to be robbed of it through education!! What a tragedy - and yet there are some who choose not to be lobotomised. Teachers often give up on those - OR occasionally recognise the individuality of the spirit and somehow manage to encourage it. LONG MAY THEY LIVE!!

Nature is everything....

It is one of the most difficult things.... to evaluate one's own work in monetary terms. The materials play a very small part in the assessment, and so does the actual time taken in the creation of the art piece. I know it's all those things..... and yet so very much more. Sometimes it takes me days going back and forth in my mind, and even after deciding on a price I am still somehow not peaceful with it. Is it because money requires boundaries of measurability, which ultimately is an exact contradiction to creativity. Perhaps this is what causes constant conflict in the 'Art World'. I often feel that had Van Gogh known of the prices paid now for his paintings he might well have cut off his other ear with fury!! after all is it the value in financial terms of the piece of work, or is it the creative vision and spirit that made it what it is, that counts. Sadly there are people out there who can only see numbers, and the even bigger tragedy is that they are invariably the very people who own these masterpieces. How cockeyed and unbalanced the human world is. But simultaneously how comforting it is to realise the enormous difference between NATURE and human nature - the former being all omnipotent.... and the latter totally insignificant!!.......WHICH IS WHY ART IS ALL IMPORTANT TO THE HUMAN SPIRIT.

Searching and finding.....

Sometimes putting creation into practice comes hard!! The seed is always there - but buried deep, and reaching then touching it can be a very slow journey. There is no quick way - no short cuts - quite simply moment by moment is an experience of searching those quiet, almost silent places inside myself. I know when I am getting there because the ideas for preparation begin to filter through, but I never know to where these ideas are going to lead me. I work blind, so to speak, quite simply trusting my intuitive eye and hand. The silence becomes deafening until slowly I begin to realise the colours are making their own rhythmic music through the shapes. The materials I am using add sculpture and 3 dimensionality. I feel the excitement begin to surge up in me, and I know I'm on the right track. It's not going to be an immensely large piece of work, but big enough for me to know I cannot and must not rush it. I find my own work tempo and respect it. The moment has come to stop and reflect on it......to-morrow is another day......I will come back to it!!


Creative Alchemy....

Good art must reach people - it must make them think and feel. How it does that is the alchemy of the artist, and this alchemy is something that CANNOT BE TAUGHT!!. Art schools can only teach methods - they CANNOT TEACH VISION!! - they can put forward different ways of thinking - thinking that has already been thought about - but it can only be the REAL artist who can take pre-conceived visions to other dimensions that havn't been reached before, and make them his/her own. A tall order really, but ultimately the only one of any lasting significance - afterall, we are creatures of immense curiosity as a species - our explorations in all catergories of existence are relentless, and some of us do manage to reach places, mentally and physically, that have never been reached before. The works of those who do are usually labelled as worthless by those contemporaries of the day, and barely given a moment's consideration. But like all things of value, it takes time and MUCH consideration AND understanding to recognise great work.



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